So, it’s that time again, when lovers and would be lovers celebrate their love. Some will be looking at each other and wondering where all the time went. Others will be looking at each other and wondering if they will make it together. And so it goes with romantic relationships, it is a lot of work and a lot of time invested to create a workable and working and for those who choose a healthy relationship between the two people.
As with all things in life, there are always exceptions and so let us meet time thief one. Time thief one-he or she meets the person, there is an attraction and over time a decision is taken to enter a romantic relationship. At some point though, usually between some months to within the first three years of the relationship, time thief one realizes to himself or herself that he or she is far from satisfied in the relationship. Their partner on the other hand is enamoured with them. The time thief look s around and observes no new prospects, considers the benefits of being in the relationship and so seeks to convince the other that nothing has changed. This time thief might be called the Convincer. Those in the relationship with the convincer are usually genuinely at a loss as to why the relationship dissolved if in fact it ever does. For this person the intimacy did not matter enough for them to seek it elsewhere and so the time thief settles or settled.
Circumstances may vary for this couple in terms of how they meet but one thing is constant; one of the persons was truly honest with their intentions. The intentions being that he or she does not want a committed romantic relationship or an exclusive relationship. Things continue for some time and one of the persons determines within himself or herself that he or she will make that person their own. And so the games begin. Words might be uttered with the non-committal person having to give a reminder with the determined person insisting he or she understands. Nonetheless the determined person finds a way to get their way and the relationship becomes exclusive. After some time things unravel, the relationship ends and both partners feel cheater of their time. This time thief is the Converter.
Who wants to look at their efforts and feel as if it was in vain? No one of course! For that reason this time thief has many comrades. The two people meet feel the attraction, build the relationship over time, a home together and or children together and then something happens. Each notices it and one or both partners might try to do what they consider necessary to regain the relationship they once had. Over time it is obvious that things have changed. What’s the response? Fear! Trepidation! Anxiety! What now? And so this time thief, the Afraid keeps going and going and going with the same result over and over and over. Yet rather than choosing to bring the relationship to a mutual cordial end and preserve friendly relationships between the partners, they keep working for things to change. They wonder, why? Why is this happening? Might be many reasons but it does not change the fact that it is happening; and so some remain together as true intimacy does not matter enough anymore, or some keep going until one or the other partner is unfaithful sometimes leading to ugly separations.
Whether the Convincer, the Converter or the Afraid, a time thief is a time thief, and it is usually if/when separations occur that one or both parties lament over and over for the wasted time. But had the relationship been one of true intimacy, where there was honesty throughout from both parties, while the loss of the relationship no doubt would be experienced, there might be less focus on the idea of wasted time and more of a focus on what is being lost if the relationship does not continue.
And so it is that the convincer teaches us to trust our gut. If something does not feel right in your relationship ask a question. Well after that you have done your part. The converter teaches us that as much as we love to romanticize the power of love, it ought not to be confused with the willingness and or choice to love. We cannot make another willing or force him or her to choose us. And as for the afraid, it is just important to remember that both living and loving takes courage. To refuse to be courageous in life or love will eventually lead to feeling discouraged and depressed.
Another time is coming around to celebrate love. KarryOn Caribbean how about if we remember that when it comes to relationships it might be well to let True Intimacy Matter Enough that way we will go and grow and glow in the direction where love truly flows.
By: Kerriann Toby - CONTRIBUTOR
Therapist, Trained Mediator and Educator