TRUE CONFESSION: I’ve Been Sleeping With My Married Pastor for Three Years… And His Wife Calls Me Her Friend

Dear Caribbean EMagazine,

I have been carrying this secret for three years, and every Sunday when I walk into church, I wonder if this will be the day everything comes crashing down. I know people are going to judge me when they read this. Maybe I deserve it. But what makes this worse is that the man I have been sleeping with isn't just married. He is my pastor. And his wife considers me one of her closest friends.

I joined the church almost six years ago during one of the lowest periods of my life. I had just ended a long relationship, I was struggling financially, and emotionally I felt completely lost. A coworker invited me to a Sunday service, and something about being there gave me the peace I desperately needed.

Before long, I was attending every Sunday, volunteering at events and becoming part of the church community.

My pastor was one of the people who helped me through that period. At first, there was absolutely nothing inappropriate between us. He would check on me, pray with me and give me advice. I respected him. More than that, I trusted him.

I also became close to his wife. She is the type of woman everyone loves. Warm, generous, funny and always willing to help someone. She invited me to their home for dinners and birthday celebrations. We went shopping together. We talked about relationships, family problems and things we wouldn't tell everyone else. There were times when she even joked that I was becoming like a little sister to her.

That is the part that makes me feel sick when I think about what I have done.

The affair started after a church event three years ago. Most people had already left, and I stayed behind to help clean up. The pastor and I ended up talking alone. The conversation became personal. He told me he had been unhappy in his marriage for years. He said he and his wife were more like business partners than husband and wife and that they were only keeping up appearances because of the church.

I should have walked away.

Instead, I listened.

A few days later, he called me. Then came the messages. At first, they were innocent, but gradually they became more personal. He started telling me things about his marriage. I started telling him things about my life. There was an emotional connection before anything physical happened.

The first time we slept together, I cried afterward.

I told him it could never happen again. He agreed. We prayed about it, which sounds ridiculous even as I write this. We asked God to forgive us, promised each other it was a mistake and said we would put boundaries in place.

Less than two weeks later, we did it again.

That "mistake" became a three-year affair.

We have met in hotels. We have met when his wife was out of town. There have even been times when he left church functions before everyone else and I found an excuse to leave shortly afterward.

All the while, I continued being friends with his wife.

She has sat across from me and cried about her marriage. She once told me she felt her husband was becoming distant and asked if I thought there might be another woman. I looked her directly in the eyes and told her I didn't think he would ever do something like that.

I was the other woman.

There have been moments when I wanted to tell her everything. Once, I actually drove to her house determined to confess. When I arrived, she hugged me, poured me something to drink and started telling me how grateful she was to have a friend she could trust.

I couldn't do it.

I went home and cried.

I've tried ending the affair several times. Every time, my pastor tells me he loves me. He says he plans to leave his wife eventually, but that doing it suddenly could destroy the church, embarrass his family and affect hundreds of people who look up to him.

For three years, I have believed some version of that explanation.

But lately, something has changed.

His wife called me a few weeks ago and asked me to meet her for lunch. During the conversation, she told me she believes her husband is having an affair.

My heart almost stopped.

Then she reached across the table, held my hand and said, "If you ever found out who she was, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"

I lied again.

I said yes.

Since that lunch, I haven't been able to sleep properly. Every time my phone rings, I think it's her calling to tell me she knows. Every Sunday, I look at her sitting beside her husband and wonder how I became this person.

The pastor keeps telling me not to panic. He says she has suspected things before and that everything will blow over.

But I don't want it to blow over anymore.

I am tired of sneaking around. I'm tired of lying to a woman who has shown me nothing but kindness. I'm tired of listening to a man preach about marriage, honesty and temptation on Sunday morning when I know what happens between us when no one is watching.

And yet, as ashamed as I am to admit this, I love him.

At least, I think I do.

Part of me still believes that if he left his wife, we could finally be together without hiding. Another part of me wonders how I could ever trust a man who has looked his wife in the face and lied to her for three years.

And if I'm capable of doing this to a woman who calls me her friend, what does that say about me?

I know telling her could destroy her marriage, damage the church and expose both of us. Staying silent means continuing one of the biggest betrayals of her life.

I don't know which truth frightens me more: losing him or finally admitting that maybe he was never really mine.

So I need to ask your readers:

Should I tell his wife everything and accept whatever happens next, or should I end the affair, walk away from both of them and take this secret with me?

— Confused & Guilty